


i'm so sorry that you have to have a body

by clownkidzclub



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Amy Santiago Loves Jake Peralta, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friendship, Hurt Jake Peralta, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jake Peralta Needs a Hug, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:28:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27853394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clownkidzclub/pseuds/clownkidzclub
Summary: Jake hides something he had no reason to. Nothing could make them love him less.___Title: Body Terror Song, by AJJ
Relationships: Charles Boyle & Jake Peralta, Gina Linetti & Jake Peralta, Jake Peralta/Amy Santiago, Ray Holt & Jake Peralta, Rosa Diaz & Amy Santiago, Terry Jeffords & Jake Peralta
Comments: 24
Kudos: 177





	1. Terry

**Author's Note:**

> !!!!***TW: SELF HARM***!!!! (nothing graphic but its what the story is about!)
> 
> MORE JAKE ANGST EIWHEI  
> sorry im very depressed and need to vent somehow :)
> 
> therapy = expensive  
> projecting onto jake and making him suffer = free
> 
> sorry bbys <3
> 
> enjoy~

Jake dropped Terry’s keys into a fountain. He was going for a dramatic flourish, after proving him wrong about something trivial, but didn’t have a good grip. Jake laughed sheepishly and rolled up his sleeves to grab them back out. When he held out his hand to give them back, Terry noticed something.

Raised scars covered Jake’s forearms. Each one looked old, long healed, but that didn’t make Terry less concerned though. 

Being a detective for as long as he was, he knew all too well what self-harm looked like. Suicide victims, depressed kids, etc. They weren’t hard to identify anymore.

“Jake…”

“Huh?” He questioned before following the sergeant’s eyes to his wrists. “Oh.” Jake flushed red, and pulled his sleeves back down, avoiding eye contact. 

“Is this a new or old problem?” Terry asked, tentatively.

“Old. Like, sure I’ve had a slip up now and again. I did go to prison after all,” He chuckled humorlessly, “But that was the last time. Things are...really good.” He finally looked up.

Terry just opened his arms and pulled him into a hug. “You’re strong Jake… you know that?” 

“I’m trying to.” He said offering a watery smile. Terry pulled away and returned it. “But you know...I still won the bet!” Jake gloated, jogging past him to the front seat of the minivan. 

Terry just shook his head and smiled.


	2. Gina

It was middle school when Gina found out. That might have just been the scariest moment of her life. They’d been watching Saved By the Bell, and Jake had just started crying out of nowhere. Deep painful sobs echoed through the room. Quickly she gathered him in her arms.

“J-Jake?” Her usual confidence had disappeared.

“I don’t want to-” He chocked out, “It’s like there's a monster inside of me. I can’t stop it from hurting,”   
Gina’s blood froze. “Did you hurt someone Jake?” She half-whispered. He answered by rolling down his sleeves.

“Shit.”

“I-I’m sorry…”

“No, no, don’t be please,” She hugged him again still at a loss. “You’ve gotta stop Jake. You need help.” 

“Yeah,” He agreed “Will you help, uh, tell my mom. I can’t do it alone.”

“Of course boo. You’ve never been alone.”


	3. Charles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back at it again!!

This stakeout felt like it was going on forever. They’d already been here three hours, and there was still no sign of change.

Don’t get him wrong, Charles loved the time with Jake, But he’d much rather be doing something else with his best bud. 

Jake took another sip of his blue drink and fumbled with the bottle slightly. This resulted in about half of it spilling all over him. 

Charles cringed in sympathy and grabbed him some napkins out of the glove box. 

“Ahh, it’s no use. I’ve got another shirt in the back, could you grab it for me?” 

“Sure thing!” Boyle turned around and grabbed the T-shirt. Jake took it and slid off his hoodie. 

He didn’t mean to look, he really didn’t, but by the time he saw the rows of scars along Jake’s arms, it was too late. 

“Shit..haha I really should be more careful who I change in front of.” Jake cracked, trying to play it off. He had to know that wouldn’t work. Charles loved him far too much to let this go.

“Hey, Jakey… Are you ok?” He asked hesitantly, trying to keep his friend comfortable. As comfortable as Jake Peralta could be talking about his emotions. 

“Yeah, I am. I’ve been seeing a therapist a bit...I uh…” He hesitated slightly. “Had a really hard time semi-recently and I knew I needed help again. As much as I wish they would, the scars don’t go away…” Jake looked down at them, his face was unreadable. 

“There your battle scars buddy-” Jake gave him a look, “I know it’s cliche... but it just shows what you’ve been through and how far you’ve come.” Charles smiled softly. Jake was about to say something else when they both noticed a man coming out of the building. Jake nodded at him saying more than his words could. 

He understood Charles was there for him. That he deserved their friendship.

As they got out of the car and chased the perp, Boyle made a mental note to give Jake a 10 minuted hug as soon as they got this guy in.


	4. Rosa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new year! sorry this one is short :p

Rosa had never talked to Jake about it. It wasn’t just because she hated feelings (She did, but if Jake was ever in legitimate danger she’d suck it up.) but because Rosa preferred to observe. At first glance, you’d think she’d run into battle guns ablaze, but that wasn’t the case. Rosa watched and waited. Every move was a calculated one. 

She always made sure the scars weren’t new. If they were she’d tell Amy to talk to him. If Amy wasn’t there she’d confront him directly. She could scare him into giving her whatever he was using. 

She wasn’t a therapist, and as much as she wanted to beat up the part of Jake’s brain that made him feel the way he did, she couldn’t.

But she could protect him. Look out for him.

And that was enough. 

She knows he’d do the same for her.


	5. Holt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kinda different from the other but i wanted to shake it up :p
> 
> if u have someone who listens to u like holt did in this chapter you are V lucky kdejnjndjwn

He got that call late at night. It had not woken him, because, despite Kevin and His bedtime of 9:45 sharp, he had elected to stay up for a bit longer to work on some paperwork. This behavior was not usual for him but it was as if he had a feeling that something was going to happen. It kept him up. He had just finished a particularly hefty report when the phone rang. 

“Hello this is Raymond Holt, I _can_ come to the phone right now.”

“Heyyy Captin!” The voice was familiar, but the ache in it was not. 

“Is this you Peralta?” He inquired.

“Yeah, I just-” He dropped the fake cheer, “I needed a distraction...I couldn’t be alone right now.” 

“That’s quite alright. Are you safe?” He asked holding his breath. He remembered the day Peralta had come to him in tears confessing his struggle with self-harm. They had worked together, with the help of Amy, to find him help.

“Yeah, I am right now. I uh stopped myself.” His voice quivered.

“Good. I am proud of you Jacob.” He let himself breathe a sigh of relief. 

“Thanks, dad.” This slip-up had become commonplace. Even if it was a bit awkward Raymond found it quite endearing.

“Of course son. Are you up to talking? Or would you rather listen?” He sent Kevin a quick text message explaining his prolonged absence. Naturally, he completely understood.

“I can talk. Uh, what do you wanna hear about?” 

“Hmm. I’ve heard you mention some kind of juvenile, mutated, amphibians before?” 

Jake chuckled, “The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? You sure you wanna hear me talk about them?”

“Quite sure.” As long as Jake was enthused about a topic, it was a treat to hear him talk about it. 

The next few hours went by at a comfortable pace. While the concept was harrowing, He stayed engaged, asking questions, and inputting his opinions. 

“And yeah, that brings us to the movies, which sucked!” Jake finished then his voice dropped. “Oh shit. I’ve wasted your night, I’m sorry…”

“No Jake, I was glad I could talk with you. Do you feel better?”

“Yeah, I really do.”

“Then it was not a waste of time.” He said concluding.

“Yeah, I guess not. Thank you,” He could hear the grin in the detective’s voice. 

“Always, Jacob.”


	6. Amy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last one folks!! ty for all the love I've gotten on this fic <3 !!!

Amy could tell something was up. Jake greeted her like normal, hugged her, asked her about her day (He had the day off.) And Smiled.

The smile gave him away. It was forced and didn’t reach his eyes. She dropped her bag and sat with him on the couch. 

“Do you know if they opened that Tai place back up? I think they were doing renovations, but we still might be able to order-”

“Jake,” She interjected

“Yeah, Ames?” He looked puzzled. 

“Are you ok?”

“Yeah, I’m great why…” She looked at him hard. “I mean uh...no. Not really.” 

“What’s up, babe?” Amy asked taking his hand in hers. 

Jake’s face crumpled and tears fell from his eyes. She pulled him into an embrace. “You’re gonna be mad at me.” Her heart broke.

“I could never be mad at you Jake,” He breathed for a bit before coming clean,

“I relapsed. I’m so sorry Amy.” 

“Honey you don’t have to be sorry.”

“Yes, I do! I messed up. You were so proud of me...I almost made it a year.”

She ran her hands through his hair. “Slip-ups happen sweetheart. It’s all apart of recovery.” 

“I wish it wasn’t. I wish I didn’t hurt so much.” Tears slipped from her own eyes.

“I know babe. I wish I could take your pain away.” Jake turned and looked up at her.

“Ames, You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. You do so much for me. Hell, somehow you love me.” He smiled and they touched their foreheads together. “You make me happy. That’s all anyone could ever ask.”

“I love you too Jake. So much. Now let’s go get you cleaned up,”

**Author's Note:**

> let me know if u see mistakes!!


End file.
